Before you begin, you must make sure the following ingredients are available:
Ingredients:
— 1 cup of spontaneous generation, which, of course, will help to provide you with the materials necessary to make your PB&J.
— 5 cups of a million years of time, give or take a little according to taste (some who prefer a more “vintage” taste to their PB&J will require billions of years).
— A handful of evolving, naturally unshelled, and naturally roasted peanuts, which happened to fall into a batch of peanut oil and salt to form your basic peanut butter.
— A handful of naturally crushed grapes mixed with pectin and sugar, boiled to jell, forming your basic grape jelly.
— Flour, water, and yeast, naturally selected and fortunately mixed together, baked under the heat of the sun, making a simple loaf of bread.
— 2 tablespoons of luck. This is required so that all of the ingredients (the peanut butter, jelly, and bread) may be brought together perfectly no matter how random and unlikely it may seem.
— A dash of faith, a pinch of hope, and a whole lot of patience, as you probably won’t get to eat without 1) believing it will occur (though you’ve never seen it happen like this), 2) wanting it to happen (as your stomach must be ready to eat it when completed), and 3) waiting for it to come to fruition (for if you have left the room when the sandwich arrives, it may grow stale before you return).
Directions:
It is important to remember that to get the best quality PB&J possible you should do absolutely nothing. No amount of intelligence whatsoever should be involved in bringing this simple sandwich together. Remember, if the “miracle” of macroevolution can make such complex, complicated things as the human brain by pure, random chance (without intelligence [God] to guide it), surely it can make something as simple as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, right?
Once this process is complete and your sandwich appears before your eyes, don’t forget to thank the stars for their bountiful blessing, as a truly marvelous and spectacular event has just occurred – and all for you! Eat and enjoy!
Of course, if you must use your mind to put together your PB&J, then may I suggest you abandon your atheism? For if a simple sandwich requires human intelligence to make it, then the human brain (which is far more complex) will most assuredly require an even greater intelligence in its construction.
